About CONNORTONE

Concerning CONNORTONE Incorporated

CONNORTONE Incorporated, of Marlborough, Massachusetts, was founded in 2022 upon the conviction that musical instrument development came to a permanent end last year. No subsequent event has given us cause to revise this position. We turned our attention to the manufacture of instruments that harness the awesome power of American industry in 1934 — an era we regard as the final and unsurpassable peak of the form.

We do not innovate. We do not iterate. We build to a standard we believe was already achieved and cannot be improved upon. The Chowdinator CHDR(G) Porch Board Emulator is the result: an instrument precision-engineered to replicate the experience of a rotten and loose front porch floorboard, equipped with HYPERCUSSION technology, new for 1962.

Our Philosophy

We at CONNORTONE are committed to the concept that musical instrument development came to a permanent end last year. We will continue to manufacture products that harness the awesome power of American industry in 1934. This is not nostalgia. It is certainty.

Every Chowdinator is built with materials we consider adequate: an embossed percussion surface, copper foil shielding against electronic and metaphysical interference, and four (4) brass screws with four (4) brass washers. The tone of the instrument improves with use. We have no further comment.

A Brief History of CONNORTONE

CONNORTONE Incorporated has endured. Through circumstances entirely beyond our control and through no fault of our own, the company has weathered a century of interruptions — each one, we are certain, directly related to our business.

  • OCT 29

    1929

    CONNORTONE opens for business, optimistic that the 1930s will see an explosion in demand for leisure and luxury goods. It does not go well.

  • DEC 7

    1941

    CONNORTONE announces its new line of Eastern-influenced instruments, and pioneers outsourcing by manufacturing product in Manchuria. It does not go well.

  • AUG 8

    1945

    CONNORTONE's new Schaumberg, Illinois facility opens, leveraging the latest in technology: elves and waterwheels. It goes as well as can be expected.

  • NOV 22

    1963

    Water infiltration into the Schaumberg plant forces a temporary move to Dallas, Texas. Staff returns to Illinois on November 23, 1963. It goes well.

  • JUL 24

    1969

    The company announces a new direction after failing to foresee the popularity of the electric guitar. The plant is demolished and replaced with a water park.

CONNORTONE company memorabilia — The Chowdinator, Mississippi plate

FIG. 2 — COMPANY MEMORABILIA · “THE CHOWDINATOR” · MISSISSIPPI PLATE, OCT 76

Marlborough, Mass. USA

CONNORTONE Incorporated is headquartered in Marlborough, Massachusetts — the address on the logo, which we consider definitive. Our former facilities in Schaumberg, Illinois and Dallas, Texas are now, we are told, water parks. We have no comment on this. Our instruments are warranted against defects in workmanship and materials for a period of five (5) years under normal residential use. For inquiries concerning service, replacement percussion surfaces, or the influence of Allen Dulles, please contact us.

A Note on the Future

We have none. The instrument is complete. Thank you.